Get Back On That Horse
I was with my family on a long road trip out West. Once we hit the New Mexico border, looking at our app on the phone there was a wilderness experience with horses that excited my two daughters to no end. They couldn’t wait to mount the horses and ride into the wild New Mexico desert. When we got there, the horses were being brushed, Daniel walked into the office; a mud hut looking building with saddles and stirrups and horse shoes that lined all the walls. He signed waivers for the four of us before we got on the horses. Once it was all settled and our saddles packed with water and our phones, it was time to saddle up and get on the horses. Elsa, my oldest who was six was to ride in tandem with me and Anna, my five year old with her daddy.
I put my foot into one of the stirrups and hoisted myself up onto the saddle. I was handed the leads and within seconds I saw the horse’s head rise in the air along with its’ front legs. He was in the air standing on its’ back legs and I was holding on to the saddle for dear life. In the few seconds that seemed to move in slow motion, I saw the horse looking back at me and everyone rushing toward the horse pulling it forward, the horse threw back rolling on its’ hind and in a blink my back hit the ground followed by a loud thump of the back of my head blowing dust into the air and into my mouth. I was shaken, so was everybody in presence. I was given some water and ushered to a spot under the tree to check myself. Besides the confusion and shock of it all, physically I was alright, I fell clean off the horse, it only stepped on my ankle that was now a little bit sore.
“Let’s not do this,” Daniel said. “What?” I replied in my shaken stupor. “We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to,” he said, always giving me the deciding card. “I’m fine, is the horse okay?” I asked wanting to know if I did something that made him throw me off.
“No,ma’am, it was spooked, it’s a rescue and someone used to beat him so when Tim walked up too quickly in front of him, he got spooked is all. He’s a really good horse and fine to ride if you still want to,” said the guy who ran the place. I could see a handler riding him now out of the ranch to make sure the horse was alright to ride that day. They seemed to be doing well and the horse was back to his gentle manner from the looks of it. “Of course, I just need a minute,“ I said, resolute I was going to get back on that horse. “You sure? Should we get another horse?” Asked Daniel. “These people know their horses so if they think it’s fine, it’ll be okay, I’m okay,” I said in partial conviction.
I was shaking when I stood on the step to mount the same horse again. It came up to me and nuzzled me as if to apologize. I held his face and placed my forehead on his and whispered,”we’re okay, you take care of us now,” I kissed its forehead and it was calm. I got back on that horse and we walked around a little bit more after he had been ridden by the handlers too for a bit following my fall. After a few rounds round the ranch I felt confident what I was told was true and that the horse had been spooked but was well to ride now. With faith and confidence I had Elsa join me on the saddle in front of me. We went on the most beautiful ride in the desert and had the most fun we have had in a long time. That ride was memorable and so was the rodeo style fall.
I was amazed that I got back on that horse, it wasn’t like me. All I knew was that I didn’t want my children watching me back down from fear. I did not want them seeing me as weak. I did not want them seeing me surrender. On the drive away from the ranch back on our road trip, Daniel kept praising me for what I just did, but I was processing it all.
I wasn’t that scared little girl I used to be anymore. I was a woman with courage, with conviction and strength to pull those together. I realized how my life had changed, how I had changed. Decisions I made today were ones born in confidence, in surety and trust in myself. I had been raped and could not trust any man with my body, what more with myself; but here I was with the man of my dreams that I had gathered pieces of myself. I looked myself in the eye and had said,”we’re okay, you take care of us now.” So I allowed myself to love. I was a woman of my own and I wasn’t backing down from fear. I found out I had Bipolar and cursed the days I couldn’t get out of it, fearful my life was worthless, but again I had looked myself in the eye assuring myself we were going to be okay, and here I am; I have learned to live with it and am living the life I couldn’t have imagined. All the uncertainties in my life to date I had handled. I had grown and I had been thriving in my own light all this while. I was told I shouldn’t have children and I was afraid for failing them unknowingly I had heard the whispers to myself that we were going to be okay, me and the reflection I saw everyday in the mirror; and here I was with two beautiful children winning at life. I am no longer that scared little girl backing down in the shadows of pain and grief and persecution, I am a woman now. Life has thrown me some shitty curveballs, but I have overcome. I saddled up and got back on that horse.