Marlboros, Jack Daniels and the Universe

My mind wanders back in time. A time when support was lacking and I kept company with enablers and naysayers and partners in vices. I took a long drag of my cigarette that afternoon almost ten years ago. My pillow was drenched in tears, my heart torn into pieces as thoughts of my existence destroyed my very being. I was alone, I was to soon vacate my apartment with the lease being forfeited, I had just left a job I had been so excited about when I started. I’d even just started getting good at it. I was humiliated at being called out on my non-performance at work. Meaningless sex filled my nights and kept the fear of being alone at bay. I took a swish of the whiskey by my bed, it had kept me company through that night I had decided to take in my solitude. There wasn’t much left to live for. I was a disappointment to my family. I had earned no professional accomplishment and I wandered the world lost and aimless. I didn’t have any friends as I didn’t know which ones were true. I was alone.

Me, my Marlboro and a sixth of a bottle of Jack Daniels for company and courage. It was all to end that day. 

The crossroads merged into a dead end. My end. The day I would disappear from the mouths of the observers and their wagging fingers, from the disappointments I have borne, from the thoughts of my assailant. I would disappear into nothingness and so would the history of my insignificance. 

I would try, I would be interrupted, I would fail. Yet again I failed. 

The failure brought me on a path unbeknownst to me at that time, a plot twist to a new reality. Today I watch my girls on the trampoline laughing without a care in the world. Are they my only care in the world? Is this my purpose? Was this why I was sent here? Was this why I failed?

I believe in a higher purpose. Though the quest for lucid clues leaves me in constant wanting. Constantly unfulfilled in my inner queries. I do believe in a higher power, an energy, or the universe, or whatever it can be named. I believe in my interconnectedness to this universe that is yet to detach from me. As I have yet to be interrupted in my living, so I seize the chase to death. That afternoon I was with my Marlboro, my Jack Daniels and my hollowness. I did not know that my heart that would be filled with love poured into my soul by all those around me. It would be years before I found understanding and trust in the circle around me, but they found me nonetheless, surprising and reassuring. The loneliness to get here was worth the climb. One foot in front of the other, they say. Heavy feet led me here, but here I did arrive. Here I breathe yet.

I am surrounded by the support of loved ones and friends. The kind of support that brings heavy burdens to my heart with gratitude and guilt. My best friend, Jenny, who answers whenever I call to check that I am okay because she understands the unpredictable nature of my illness. My husband carries the burdens of the household, on top of his already heavy professional responsibilities. My children showered in the love I cannot hide from them, for my life depends on their happiness. They are understanding and compassionate because of their unending love for me. My mother-in-law babysits me on the phone to get through long days, through hard days, through my anxious days and my dark days, just unconditionally present. I have long tried to solve the puzzle of their dedication and commitment to my wellness; perhaps it is love, or perhaps it is their take on humanity.  Perhaps I am simply surrounded by altruistic souls.

My days become bearable with their love and support. I overcome the fear that hits me like a hurricane every episode, sweeping me off the ground while weighing me down drenched in the weight of lead raindrops. I carry on. I live another day to write, to tell stories, to be present with the world, free of the weights. These unsung heroes in my life are a well of gratitude, for there is no compensation nor consolation for the burden they carry in holding me up. Lately I’ve been able to keep up with my commitments, with being around other humans.  I have even been productive. All of which I would never have come across had I gone through with plots of my darkened mind.

In my wanderings I found all the love the world had for my heart, for my being. My failed attempt would never be forgotten nor will the sorrow that led me there. Failing meant I had a chance to meet the love that keeps me afloat. I live  in my current world of loved ones around me that effortlessly and tirelessly sow seeds of stability and healing. I wander still in my mind. Now it manifests in an aimless yet purposeful manner, though the meaning remains hidden from view. I believe in love. I am worthy. I believe in me. I am here.