All the uncertainties in my life to date I had handled. I had grown and I had been thriving in my own light all this while. I was told I shouldn’t have children and I was afraid for failing them and here I was with two beautiful children winning at life. I am no longer that scared little girl backing down in the shadows of pain and grief and persecution, I am a woman now. Life has thrown me some shitty curveballs, but I have overcome. I saddled up and got back on that horse.

He’s got my back, he watches for pitfalls ahead, but he always walks beside me, my hand in his strong clasp. He is my protector, my savior, my love but more than that, he cheers me on and cherishes my moments of every endeavor. He bolsters my falls and gives me faith in new possibilities. He sees me and all I am and all I can be even when most times I can’t. Our marriage is what I could never have dreamed of, it is a fantasy I could never have imagined and I am thankful it is with the love of my life, Daniel. Happy Anniversary the love of my life, Daniel Zachry. Here’s to our infinite future of adventures together.

The cold Kentucky winter in the middle of this pandemic sends chills down my bones from a temporary separation from our village. The longing I feel is no longer for my home country, I crave the smiles of my friends, the shrill shrieks and screams of their children in my home, the sweet hugs and smiles of our friends at the stores.

The most beautiful thing is how she makes me feel that allows me to lean on her with all my pain, most days she doesn’t even know she’s doing it. She stays on the phone with me for three hours straight because she knows I need her. She has never made me feel anything but loved, she is my safe place.

The conversations go on but now I found myself ascending, leaving my body, my physical self went numb, stupid grin and nod plastered on my head. Does she like us? Did I just embarrass myself? Did I say something stupid? Why did I say that? Should have just shut up!Shouldn’t have served up the whole bar!

I waited for him to get home every evening and picked out the Celtic CD to play and we would listen to a whole album, eyes closed, together in our dome, my daddy and me. I learned about calm and peace in meditation.

I am often alone. I feel alone in a house of joyful screams and giggles, and night time conversations with my love. I feel alone in a world of phone calls from friends just catching up, in a world where I am greeted by smiling faces and conversations with people at stores. I often find myself alone.

Ok, then there was the issue of my accent, that wasn’t the first time I had heard that here in Kentucky. “I’m sorry, can’t understand you, it’s that accent” they would say. As humiliating and demeaning as that may be, when in Rome right?

I lined up every episode of Reba and mouthed along as she spoke. It was my ‘Murican ‘lessons’.

I was having anxiety over my anxiety. This fucken Barracuda rears its head more often than I care to consider, yet it is the center of my world. Worrying about when bipolar will hit in any which direction was a constant, consistent, persistent obsession and fear of mine.

Watching the graceful heron swoop over the water, wing spanned so majestically. In all these movements in nature, I find peace. Not wanting for more, but consistently surprised by the next regal creature to meet my acquaintance. In the quiet of the evening and the lull of the water, I find peace. I find calm.

Perhaps it is overcompensation, perhaps it is because of the love that comes of it, but most of all, it is because I feel home. The bipolar disorder and all the mood swings are made worth every bit of it. Every year I fight through them to hold on to all that I am gifted.

A soft embrace came over me, as if someone gently stroked my face and my hair. There was a peaceful calm as I saw the white snow over the meadows and farms, a beautiful glistening of the sun on the snow. I wanted answers, I believed in divine forces that keep us on our path.

Do I call myself a writer?

When the pictures in my head differ,

I see men in tweed, cigar and whiskey,

Women in turtlenecks, steaming cup of tea

Comfort, though many a times feels far from reach or even non existent, have come to find me in the most unexpected ways even if in impermanence, those feisty strong women lit a fire in me to live, to will to live in the most opportune and full of ways. ‘I love you’ was not uttered but our brief time together delivered the experience I was lost for.

Unexpected and warm.

I had a friendship with this 70 year old woman that welcomed me genuinely into her space, unwittingly as I was going through such hardship of health and isolation and pain and grief. She blessed me with her love as simply as she handed me a glass of water as she storied in her home.

People talk as if diaper shit is the shit, but let me tell you there is so much more in parenthood, the kind of shit you couldn’t have imagined. Just shit literal and not. There’s no preparation for what is in our future as parents.

Shit happens.