What else is there to say?
I’ve told stories about my pain, I’ve told stories about my struggles, the triggers, the trauma responses, what is left to be said?
Perhaps it is what I would have said to the younger me who was dealt the pain.
Perhaps it is what I have been trying to say through the reminiscence of all the pain.
Perhaps it is what I want to be said to my children, to our children.
Perhaps it is what I want to share with you, from what is left from all the pain and grating past.
After all the terror and gross remembrance of the details, I’m still here.
The words will come from me, the me that is left of what has been ground out of the pain.
Here it is.
Younger me, you are dead. But your death has not been in vain. The me who emerged is stronger for the both of us. The me today knows that healing comes from pain and growth comes from healing. I stand here today knowed in gratitude for what your death has born in me. I found the ways, I found the tools then I saw the light on a path I could take to divert from the pain. I learned the pain has rewired my brain, I see victory in every turn I take away from the pain. I see victory in that time I realized the pain served me no more and I tucked it in a little box, only to remind me of the strength I now possess to live the fuck out of my life, to outshine the fear to pave my own lit path. I see it now, in your death, I was reborn and I am here.
Here it is.
The reminiscence of the pain sat in the driver’s seat telling me what I could and could not do all those years. All those bloody years I took the back seat my ass melded with the seat because I was afraid I ddi not know the direction I would take if I took the wheel. But one day, one fine day I didn’t care for the ‘right’ direction any longer. I heard a voice in my chest, my breasts quivered in its knowing, I let the whispers seep into my ears, I listened and listened and listened and I realized I recognized my own voice. It was me, I was relieved. There wasn’t a plan, but like I had heard my voice, the quiver in my breasts, the thumping in my chest, my hands and my feet found its own movement and it was decided it was time. I wanted the direction to be mine, I kicked that fucking ghoul of pain out of the driver’s seat and I took the wheel. I wasn’t sure where I was headed but I knew it would be mine sans the pain dictating the direction.
Here it is.
My children, the light of my life, the reason I breathe. This pain is not yet one I can share with you, yet I want a world that promises compassion and love for you. I will speak out in hopes it changes minds, it changes hearts that in the depth of cruelty and violation, there will be a world that cares for your healing, for your pain, for your peace. There is no condition in the world that can be placed upon my love for you.
Here it is.
What I want to share with the rest of you rests heavily on my heart. I have done the work, I am still doing the work. The pain never disappears, but I stand here now in possession of my self, whole. I have known what pain is, I have grieved the loss of myself, I have endured the cruelty conferred to me by the ignorant, by the evil. I have cowered not, I implore you to charge forward, protect those who have been in pain, shower compassion, partake and impart wisdom driven from those who have walked before us. Change our conversations, fuck rape culture, fuck victim blaming, fuck slut shaming, fuck gender inequalities, fuck indifference. Show the change in policy making, law making, our conversations with each other, our child rearing practices, show up, show up for humanity.
Here it all is.